The Ebb and Flow of Thriving at Work
Is it reasonable to expect ourselves to thrive all the time?
During a recent program I was delivering, a team leader shared a personal story of interest.
Alongside the demands of work, they had been navigating a heartbreaking period - unwell family members, one near the end of life, and an elderly parent struggling with the emotional toll. “It’s just a shitty time,” they said plainly. “I’m not thriving. I’m in survival mode.”
But then they made a powerful distinction:
“While there are times when it’s not possible to thrive, there are times when it is possible, but we don’t, because we don’t yet have the skills or support in place to get there.”
This is a simple idea with deep implications. It invites an honest, compassionate question for any of us juggling the relentless demands of leadership, work and life:
Are we expecting too much from ourselves? And more importantly, are those expectations helping - or harming - our capacity to grow?
The Thriving Trap: Why It Matters
In the workplace, the language of thriving is everywhere. We aim for resilience, wellbeing and high performance. But thriving is not a static state. It’s a dynamic process that depends on internal and external factors and conditions.
The trap? Believing we should be thriving at all times can quickly turn into an unreasonable internal demand. When things are objectively hard either as a result of grief, burnout, caregiving, or system pressures, we may not have the bandwidth to flourish. And expecting ourselves to “push through” can actually drain more energy and lead us to exhaustion.
In addition, self-criticism in hard times adds to the load.
The Critical Distinction: Skill vs Capacity
Let’s return to that team leader’s insight:
“There are times where I could be thriving, but I’m not because I don’t yet have the skills to do that.”
Overall, this is a hopeful message. When capacity is available and when the demands aren’t overwhelming, we can learn and develop strategies to use that energy well. That might mean setting better boundaries, taking recovery breaks seriously, or even just dropping the internal pressure to be “on” all the time.
These actions align with what the research says, too. Thriving isn’t just about positive emotions; it’s the intersection of vitality and learning (Spreitzer et al., 2005). But both depend on available capacity - a mix of psychological safety, energy reserves, and permission to invest in yourself.
Triage Your Bandwidth
Think of your energy like managing a busy inbox. Some messages are urgent and must be dealt with straight away - family crises, health issues, major deadlines. Others are important but can be scheduled, delegated, or left until you have more capacity. When you’re stretched thin, it’s okay to focus on the “must-respond-nows” and pause the rest.
What gets overlooked is the role we play in deciding what we prioritise and “respond to now”. If we constantly prioritise criticism, unrealistic standards, or perfectionism, we drain energy that could instead be used for recovery.
Instead, self leadership in these moments might look like gentle triage:
“What’s urgent and inescapable?”
“What can wait or be delegated?”
“What expectations am I holding that I could put aside, even briefly?”
Practical Steps to Reduce the Self-Imposed Load
To move from unrealistic self-demands toward sustainable thriving, try to:
Audit Your Expectations
Create two columns: External Demands (work, family, etc.) and Internal Demands (unnecessary ‘shoulds’, perfectionism, guilt, self-comparison).
Determine what is actually within your control.
Notice Survival Mode Without Blaming Yourself
Survival mode is not failure. It’s your body and brain doing their job. Recognise it without adding self-blame.
Reclaim Bandwidth
Ask: What’s one expectation I can release this week that would give me back more energy?
Name the Possible
In calmer periods, explore what skills or supports might help you thrive during more challenging times This might include coaching, peer supervision, or learning boundary-setting language.
Be the Leader You Would Want in Tough Times
If someone on your team were going through what you are experiencing, how would you respond to them? Offer that same compassion to yourself.
Thriving all the time is not a realistic goal. What is realistic - and deeply worthwhile - is learning to distinguish when we can grow and when we need to pause, rest, or ask for help. It's not weakness; it's wise stewardship of limited energy.
“We can’t always change the demands on us. But we can change the ones we place on ourselves.”
Contact me if you are interested in discussing how I can develop a customised training program for your workplace to help you and your team thrive sustainably.
You or individuals in your team can also join my
upcoming online workshop Thriving Sustainably, 8 December 2025